Cleveland, You Need A New Man

I watched the game at Applebee's tonight because it was trivia night for me. ALL of the channels were turned to the goddamn basketball game and the one directly above my head was the only one showing baseball.
You know what, Cleveland? You are starting to get a little stalker-ish with this LeBron thing. Like a jealous ex-girlfriend. "I just want to watch to see him LOSE!" and then he doesn't lose and you just get more angry. You need to find yourself a new man, Cleveland. Someone to take your mind off LeBron because He's Just Not That In To You.

Your new man could be Michael Brantley or Asdrubal Cabrera. They really want to hit .300 for you. Asdrubal, he was so angry that he did not get a hit for you tonight that he slammed his helmet to the ground on his last out. He just wants to make you happy!

Shin-Soo CHOOOOO! Mysterious and foreign. Talk about reliable! He's desperate to up his "wow factor" but in the meantime he is still hitting hitting hitting. Like tonight he got a hit for an 8-game hitting streak, one game shy of his previous hitting streak which ended at 9, nine games ago (so that's hits 17 out of the last 18 games). He's a bit of a happy drunk and he is not above asking for directions!


Carlos Santana wasn't sure how he felt about things this year. He just couldn't commit. But Manny Acta gave him The Talk and gave him pointers and now all of a sudden he's all into it. Eleven hits in the last 8 games after not getting a hit in the 8 games prior. He's also got 13 walks in the last 8 games so you know he knows how to take it slow.

Grady Sizemore. You've always liked him! A little out of your league looks-wise and he hasn't been around much this year, but he always brings you home a double or two when he comes back. Like tonight, he got one hit, and sure enough it was a double. He's got 14 now and he's only been to bat about 100 times. He's reliable, that one. When he's around.

Travis Buck, fresh out of California! He's so happy to be in Cleveland too, as Tom Hamilton will tell you about once a week. Buck hated Oakland so bad. He loves you and he really wants you to love him back. Do you see the way he throws himself around the outfield for you? He also puffs his chest and gets hits all the time, just like the other boys.

Orlando Cabrera. A little old for our tastes but remember how we all lusted after Lofton just a few short years ago? I mean yeah he does get around but he also has a winning smile. I bet your mom would like him.

Matt LaPorta. Strong silent type. He'll be the first to admit that he makes mistakes but then he'll make up for it tenfold like by getting 3 home runs and 5 RBI in the week after he struck out 4 times in a game.

Jack Hannahan. There's a reason they call him Supermanahan. He knows his way around both the stick and the glove. Holy crap that sounded dirty just there. Anyway, you like a guy who can protect your corner, right?


Shelley Duncan. He came to bat for you tonight. Did you see him swinging away? He wanted to win the game with one swing of the bat. We thought he could, too. All of us were up there believing he could do it. He didn't do it, but he's done it before. I don't know if he could be our every day man but he makes a good back door man.

Don't forget your pitchers, Cleveland. They want you too. I heard today that Carlos Carrasco said that seeing how the other guys were pitching put pressure on him to be better too. How sweet is that? Stepping up his game just for you, Cleveland!

And the bullpen. They come as a group, you know. The #BullpenMafia they call themselves. Some of those boys are growing beards perhaps to be more like Chris Perez who has a beard that actually doesn't scare me. Guys that grow beards are saving the environment, did you know that? Ron Swanson (and Budweiser) says so. Someone in the dugout was all extra beardy today, not sure who as I didn't have audio.

Anyway, look at all these fine men that are desperately vying for your attention, Cleveland. They are right next door being the best at their sport while you fritter away your time following a man who couldn't wait to dump your ass. Forget about that old man in Columbus, too. You are really, really becoming pathetic. Let yourself be loved!

See you tomorrow when we spread some more love for Cleveland against the Rangers again. Hopefully enough love to stay in FIRST PLACE IN ALL OF BASEBALL. Better than all of the baseball teams in Florida who have a combined winning percentage of .550 (ours is .611) They are playing for you, right here, in your town. Pay attention.

Oh, no radio chatter today. I actually listened to the first 90 minutes on the radio and there wasn't one bit to copy down. I think they were a bit on edge tonight because it wasn't apparent right off the bat which way this game would go. Maybe tomorrow they'll loosen up some.